Spinning Top

I think that in many ways, emotionally, I am like a large spinning top that gets expertly respun every so often.  Once a top gets set into motion, there are several physical forces acting upon it.  Yes, the top will drift a little bit here and there on the plane, but it always stays upright, happily spinning away.  Small changes in the forces upon it will slightly alter the top, but it usually recovers just fine.  If you introduce a large shove, the top will attempt to make a recovery, however, eventually it will come crashing down.  The top’s point will stay in one place, while the rest of the top will exhaust the rest of its momentum rolling around on the plane, trying desperately to get back up.

My top got shoved three times this week.  It was too much for me to bear.  I fell down.

This week has been worse on me than the past few deaths in my family.  Over the past few years I have lost my grandmother, my great aunt, and my great uncle.

So why would I say that this week was worse even though nobody died?  The timing.

I had come to peace with those deaths and knew they were going to occur.  My grandmother and her sister both were taken by dementia related problems, and my grandmother had it the worst.  She had been affected for a while before taking up residence in a nursing home for another long while.  I had the opportunity to visit her many times during that period, so I had long made my peace with her eventual passing.  I had been able to respond to that death in the time between her passing and my great aunt’s diagnosis and descent.  I had been able to make peace with my great aunt’s passing before hearing of my great uncle’s passing.  In short, there was plenty of time to cope.

I didn’t have enough time to deal with the combination of my own shortcomings coming to bear or with developments related to an aspect of my history I have kept hidden from everyone, including my parents.  This aspect is not illegal, unethical, or even immoral, but I still do not talk about it to anyone.  I told my parents of its existence once, but I made a solemn resolution that even they would not hear what the topic is, let alone my actions.

With three things occurring in the span of 4 days, I have broken down and cried twice.  I typically cry at most once a year, so I think I am good for a while.  Hopefully I can get my top spinning again soon.

Thanks for reading.

A much more uplifting and funnier topic about my Ironman adventure will be coming up next.